Mental Mess

Today i've just realised that the mess I've made of my room--not picking up my clothes once i take them off; not making my bed; leaving empty plates and glasses on my bedside table for days, is really just my subconscious way of making my mental mess physical.

I've been dealing with stress and uncertainty for months--not to say it's to a huge level, my life is pretty alright, but to the level where it's got me going crazy.

When will i ever see my friends again?
Going to sydney might sound good right now, but is it?
What if all the decisions I'm making right now are wrong and I end up deeply regretting them?
What if i won't though?

I mean, who am I to trust right now?

The girl who can't even pick up after herself (and won't allow others to because she wants to do it herself to prove herself that she can)?

Anyways, this was supposed to go into my think book, it's not a diary, because i don't care who reads it.
I don't write personal stuff, i don't write facts.

I just write feelings.

And that is what this is too.

Nothing Special

The thing is i always whine about this same thing.
But honestly, right now it doesn't feel so bad.

Admittedly, i was crying a couple of hours ago, but that was mainly stress, hopelessness and the fact that i was wearing someone's beanie that just means a lot to me.

And in all honesty, the people who I'm gonna miss the most probably won't matter in a couple of years.

This is a lie.

Chances are, everyone is gonna move on and eventually we'll become the same thing I became when I moved here.
Somebody who wishes things had gone different and is put in front of opportunities every single day, yet not once daring to click the mouse and say hello.

I'm scared.
I'm scared of who I might become if I stay away from these guys for too long.
Will I change to the point where I won't even recognise myself?
Will I be the exact same person?

I've done things lately, things I should be ashamed of.
But how can I if they're the best thing that's happened to me?
And I mean, I'm happy.

And what you don't know can't hurt you, right?
So if no-one's being hurt, is there really need to stop?
What will it matter in two weeks?
In three months or four years?
Who will even remember my name or my face or vaguely what hair colour I have.

I like to think everything's gonna turn out fine, and that by the time i've reached 40, my children would have grown up with the children of my best friends right now.
Hell, maybe they'll even be the same kids as my best friend's, who knows?

But when I talk to my parents about their friends in school--well, they remember their names and the things they did together...but what if that doesn't happen for me?
What if there never is a 10 year reunion?
What if there is, but I can't afford to go?
What if I do go, but i'm still single and as unwanted as I am right now?

And the fact that I don't feel myself for saying i'm unwanted because i know i am, even though i shouldn't be and i should be ashamed makes me feel slightly disgusting, well.
What will it matter?

Are these problems even gonna exist in 6 months?
How quickly can we all get over these things?

ffs.

I hate the feeling when you switch off your light, only to realise it was already off and the light you thought was your bedside lamp, was really the sun already out.

It's like you've just lost another night.
Spent a whole 7 hours sitting there, writing, drawing or simply wasting your time.

It's this emptiness that suddenly takes over you and--

Goddammit, I hate it.

ARRRGH

So it's been who-knows-how-long since the last time I blogged.
And right now I'm only here cause I was installing google chrome and it asked me if i had a blogger account.


Right now, i have 5 minutes in my battery life and only a couple of hours till my first HSC exam.

I wish i could hate Mondays again, but right now I miss them way too much.

I don't want to sit my exam.
I was pumped a couple of hours ago, now i wish i could sleep.

I wish i was a school girl again.
This is bullshit, they lied to me.

They said I'd feel free after school was done.

And it's like I'm in home arrest.
I know I can leave if I want to... But I can't.


And I hate it.



SO MUCH ANGST, OMG.

But with only 0:03 minutes, I better get going.


Wish me luck; I know I'll need it.


Goodnight xx

Blogging

Blogging is, apparently, writing for an audience.
Writing cause you know you're being read/heard and want your opinions to be heard and to count.

But what if you're writing just because you want to, would that then become an online diary?
But wouldn't that be stupid, because, isn't a diary something you don't want anyone to read?

If that's so, why would you write a blog? -and if there IS anyone out there actually reading this, that's rhetorical, so don't bother answering.-

If you do write a blog like a diary though, does that give you the right to say what you want about whoever you want?
But isn't that what some bloggers do anyways?
Though, isn't putting something up on the internet, just as bad -if not worse- than saying it to that person's face nowadays?


So after not having blogged in ages, this is probably a poor attempt, but honestly, I hate sunday nights and seeing the links bar at the top of the browser got me thinking.

So now that all this ranting from this raging noob is over, have a good night and enjoy your monday like there's no tomorrow!!

Uggghhhhh tomorrowwwwww......


I HATE MONDAYS ):

Colouring Pages.

So for Christmas I asked for some copic ciao pens, and they are amazing.
As a complimentary gift, I got 3 Disney Princesses Colouring Books (Which, yes, i asked for. Next time they will be Dragon Ball, okay? I promise).

And up until now, i had not realised how poor the anatomy of these characters is. (Of course it's not enough to ruin my childhood memories, but still, it was kinda disappointing...)
Especially the hands, like, they are WAY too small for their bodies and most of these drawings have one hand with soft and rounded fingers, and the other one always looks like claws on a bird or some shit.

Like, I'd show you, but you'll laugh at my colouring madskillz.
And like, okay, I get that these are supposed to be for like 5 year olds who are content with anything from purple hair to green faces, (and not 16 year olds who are too perfectionist for their own good,) but like, COME ON. The quotes are like, ARGH.

"Ariel looks pretty as she swims amongst the bubbles." Really? Like, okay, she's a mermaid and everything, but come on...
"Ariel enjoys swimming in the ocean." HAVE YOU NEVER EVEN SEEN THE MOVIE?! SHE WANTS TO BE A HUMAN, DOESN'T SHE?! EVEN DISNEY GETS THEIR STORIES WRONG?!
"Aladdin takes Jasmine riding on a wild horse." Um, what? Does anyone remember this happening?
Get you a picture too, just so you see how "wild" this horse is.



Yeah, PRETTY wild.

And there was one more thing that made me angry.
There were pictures of Belle, Snow White, Aurora, Ariel and Jasmine. Where is Pocahontas? Honestly.
Like, COME ON! Racist much?
I mean, she's as good as a princess, right?
OMG AND ESMERALDA FROM JEAN DE FLORETTE!! (lol, somebody help me pl0x)
LIKE, BRING ON THE GYPSIES!! (And the pikeys TOO!!)

Anyways, I'm off to catch a movie now.
Wanna come with? We're meeting at 6 o'clock, so you might wanna hurry up.
See you around. <3

It's the second and last day things will feel like this.

It's like, all that's ahead of you is 38 hours of being in no-man's-land, 38 hours of trying to get your mind off the world you're leaving behind, the world that you belonged to all those years ago, the world that's changed, a world that couldn't wait for you, the music just plays on, there's no pause button; but it's your world all and all.

But you're going back to the place that does wait for you, the place where all friends are and the place where you're meant to be.

But that's still 38 hours away.

And the hours don't end, the seconds just drag on, you want to get out of there, but you're caught within the worst moment forever. The Goodbyes.

And heck, what's another goodbye? Nothing you've never done before, so why does it still hurt so fucking much?

And that's what it feels like, one massive two-day-long goodbye.
And even though you're not talking about leaving, even though you're not thinking about the fact that in less than 24 hours you'll be getting on a plane, a one way ticket away from home. And who knows, maybe that means another Christmas away from the family.
It's always in the back of your mind, always there, it's like a constant pain that you choose to keep nameless, nameless for now, cause you know there will be time later, hours and hours of nothingness to give it a name, and give it the face of all those you won't see for another year.

But hell, maybe this is a last?

Screw it, chin up, just like it should be.

You're F*cking Kidding.

Today, after an awful lot of waiting and during an insanely early show, i found myself finally watching the twilight saga movie New Moon.

It was such a laugh.
Every time Edward sparkled, it had a little sound effect, honestly. Like little bells just jingling. What the hell? Do you want to make Edward any gayer? Do you want to humiliate Pattinson any further? Jesus Christ, I don't understand how anyone could take this seriously (-and this is coming from a girl who LIKED the first three books of twilight), the whole vampire thing was a joke. Though you can't really blame that one on the director, can you?

Upon watching the movie, i found myself falling for Jacob all over again.
Yes, I'd been a Team Jacob during my time as a twilighter (and mind you, it wasn't all that long). But seriously, he's hot (like, both literally and not.). And you gotta give him some credit, man, he spent his hours in gym.
Secondly, I didn't actually realise what a huge bitch Bella was until I watched this.
Telling a boy you like him (a boy you know likes you), and then taking off as soon as you have news from your ex boyfriend.
Oh, and going shopping with someone you haven't talked to for months, I mean, she's kind enough to go with you, watch a movie she didn't enjoy, and then you ditch her for some random biker who could be a freaking paedophile! But no, you don't care, your schizophrenia is letting you see your ex, so who cares about this girl or your best friend, sheesh!

The werewolf effects were cool, though, I'll give you that.
When they transformed i was like WHOA!
Well, not really, but I liked it.

Also, Alice is meant to be like, in style, super fashionable and awesome, right?
Well, can someone explain what the f*ck she was wearing on her head the scene where she's driving the yellow car in Italy? Did the movie even tell you they were in Italy?
And she was hell rude to Jacob as well! Something about not comig back into the house till you take the dog out?
THE DOG CAN STAY AS LONG AS HE WANTS TO, B*TCH!
Oh, but of course Bella took the bloodsucker side. As she does. Bitch.

But anyway, forgeting the whole movie thing, I came home and wrote a short story I'm actually quite happy with. But I needed a surname for my character, so being the cool kid i am, I asked Yahoo! Answers.
And this is what they had in store for me:




Of course I looked up Coolest Last Name? And sure enough, stumbled upon this page, where a f*cking twilighter thought Cullen was the coolest name. And it's fair enough, Cullen would be a rather cool name, hadn't it been ruined by a bunch of panzy, sparkling bloodsuckers.

AND OF COURSE! The person who posted that was of course usernamed Renesmee Cullen.
She wanted to be a f*cking flesh eating monster, of course!
As if, why do people not make a hell of a lot of fun of her?
If anyone usernamed Albus Severus Potter (which, mind you, makes Renesmee Cullen sound like a joke (because it is)) had written Potter there, he'd probably have about ten thousand disliking hands and being spammed to no end.

But this girl only had three disliking hands (which thank God were more than the 2 liking hands).

Good one, Smayer. You've fried yet another girl's brain (and chances of getting a boyfriend).


And just cause you've put up with my ranting all over again, have this.
I found this ages ago, and when it came up during the movie i loled.

Hey, Isn't this easy?

And with a week or so to go until the end of year 11, i find myself sitting on my bed, crying as i write this stupid blog entry instead of studying or sleeping like I should be.

Feel like shite and with what seems to be a fever?
Yeah, right now, i'm cool enough as to change the lyrics.

I'm in the room, it's a typical Thursday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
And she'll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts
She's Cheer Captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You, you belong with me, you belong with me

Walking the streets with you and your brand new jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
Hey, what ya doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's Cheer Captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry
And I know your favorite songs and you tell me 'bout your dreams
Think I know where you belong, think I know it's with me

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you?
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you not know?
Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me

You belong with me
Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me?
You belong with me

Oh my God, what am I doing with my life?

MLIA

Don't think I could ever come up with a better title for this entry. Ever.

Maybe my life isn't average. But today was average or worse.

I tend to just try and smile and get through it. Today, my plan failed. Nothing went according to plan, NOTHING. And i didn't even HAVE a plan. That's just how bad it was.

I've realised that I now tend to use my blog to either complain and whine about my life or to put up stupid google searches. What a waste of my time, what a waste of your time if you're reading this.

Man. On a brighter note, seems like we're going to the FIFA next year!
Hellz yeah!
Well... hopefully.
It makes me mad to think that Australia has 20 points and is already going, no matter what, already qualified. Same with Japan, 15 points!
We've got 27! 27, for God's sake! And we're still battling our way there. Don't see how that's fair. At all.
But meh, let's not complain about how bad life is, let us -instead- talk about how great some of my friends are.
Yeah. They're great.

How they would never even thing of anything that could hurt, that would never put lemon juice on a newly open wound. Of course not.
Treat others like you'd like to be treated. Hey, come on. Where did all of that go?

Guess that's just one more pointless entry on this good old blog.
It's been almost a year now since I started it, huh?
What a waste, it used to be so much better than this.
I guess year 11 really is as good as they said it would be.
Year 12 in three weeks! Can't wait! (/sarcasm)

Oh noes.

So doing another one of them google searches came across this one.

It's lovely.

One more please.

Uh...
this one is a bit...
Hahahah, man, what would Peter Chao say about this, I wonder.

EHHH

So it's my 50th entry today!
AND WHAT BETTER THAN TO CELEBRATE THIS WITH THE BESTES IMAGE I COULD FIND

I looked up nerimon on google images and this is what it came up with!
Check it out XD

Bring it.

Of course I was upset when I found out we weren't invited to that party, but I didn't let it bother me and made other plans instead.

But being suddenly invited wasn't really enough to make me go. And I was glad I had someone else to share my time with, especially now that I've heard everyone got wasted and got rid of most of their brain cells.

I was happy-er with that funny response we got while prank calling Ben, and even happy-ER when I had an awesome time being completely sober and just plain silly, no regrets.

Signed in on msn today to get asked by a friend about someone else's home number, which I didn't have. She wanted to call him to apologise for last night. Must have been one fun night (/sarcasm).
Completely understand why he wouldn't pick up so I told her to quit calling him and talk to him on Monday instead. She goes "No, I don't think it's like that."
Of course, it's not like that. I just don't know my friends at all, you know them all better than I do, yes, high 5, you win at life.

I told her he was probably just watching his phone ring and not answering in purpose. She didn't answer. She signed out.

Oh, but don't get me wrong, I still love all my friends. Just glad I say no to some of our little get togethers.

But alas, yesterday was good.
Did an awful number of silly things and had amazing amounts of fun.
Although we really did nothing of what we'd planned, it was plain awesomeness in a cup.
We even sang to the Jonas Brothers (Y)(Y). Two left thumbs up for awesomeness.
We were helpless romantics for just a little fraction of our lives and attempted to write a song. About 5 times. Never even got one word on paper.

I'm now done with my "School Captaincy Nominee Resume" and ready for whatever life may put in my way.
All the emoness has gone away.

Consuelo's advice of the day: If you're being emo, call a friend.
Makes me happy to know that some people might call on me. Or at least to think some people might.
Still, nothing can bring me down, not today.

Ock it.

You know when you really wanna do something and you need to be by yourself to do it?
Don't get me wrong, i mean like record a video. It's not something you would do when your brother is sleeping behind you, right? It just doesn't work that way.

Well, since my cousins are over, I'm forced to share my room with my 11 year old brother. It's usually fine, he just comes in when he's falling asleep and I'm usually reading so i just continue doing what i was doing.

My cousins got back today from KL and for some stupid reason, my brother fell asleep on the couch. My mum came in to ask me if he could come to bed when I was recording, so i said no. She bought him in anyway.

Annoyed as i was, i began saying how i wanted to be by myself and asked him to leave. He refused.

"Your cousin is outside, can you keep your voice down?"
I was keeping my voice down! For God's sake, i just want to finish the video.
But no, he has to make a big show out of it, so my mum can't get him off his bed. I get my dad, who just goes on about how he's not making any noise,

"What if you just do it with him there? Why do you care so much?"
I just want to do it by myself, why is it so hard to understand? He was just fine on the couch, why did he have to come here now?

Of course it turns into a big argument. My dad blames me, says I'm supposed to be the bigger person, should behave like the 16 year old i am. Then my brother starts yelling about how he wants to sleep, and then my dad starts talking to him. After 10 minutes, i see this is going nowhere, and tell my dad to get out, cause my brother wasn't gonna leave and i just wasn't in the mood for recording anymore.

He starts going on about how he's the father and how my little brother is supposed to do whatever he's told to and he wouldn't leave. After a minute everyone's screaming and in the end, my brother leaves.

I'm crying cause I'm stupid and with not a shard of enthusiasm, no wishes to continue the video.

FML.

Harry Potter

So I was being cool like I am, reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and suddenly I stumbled across this line that made me lol.

It goes like this.

Instead he contented himself with scrawling a note to Ron: 'Let's do it tonight.'
Ron read the message, swallowed hard and looked sideways at the empty seat usually filled by Hermionie. The sight seemed to stiffen his resolve, and he nodded.

I suppose Hermionie doesn't aprove?

Of course, with my little and innocent mind, i could not thin of anything but
PARENTAL GUIDANCE WARNING

Buttseks.

No f-- way.

Being bored out of my head, I googled "Edward Cullen is"
And this is what google came up with.
Made me want to kill myself.
Honestly.

I will try...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
What could be worse?

Light will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

And high up above or down bellow
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
And I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ingite your bones
And I will try

To FIX YOU.

Pointless, I know.

What is the difference between love and obsession?
Who draws the fine line between the two?
Has it got to do with insanity?
When does a person who loves someone start becoming obsessed and stops being in love?
What is love?
Can you really call it love when it is purely a one-side thing?

Love [luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov⋅ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

And so on.

ob⋅ses⋅sion [uh b-sesh-uh n]
–noun
1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
2. the idea, image, desire, feeling, etc., itself.
3. the state of being obsessed.
4. the act of obsessing.

dif⋅fer⋅ence [dif-er-uh ns, dif-ruh ns] noun, verb, -enced, -enc⋅ing.
–noun
1. the state or relation of being different; dissimilarity: There is a great difference between the two.
2. an instance or point of unlikeness or dissimilarity: What accounts for the differences in their behavior?
3. a significant change in or effect on a situation: His tact makes a difference in the way people accept his suggestions.
4. a distinguishing characteristic; distinctive quality, feature, etc.: The difference in the two products is quality.

Not what I was looking for.

1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

So technically, a one-sided love story is not quite love but obsession, eh?
Does that then mean that one cannot love if not loved back, since the definition of obsession somewhat outlines one’s feelings when “in love?”

Questions, questions, questions.