Nothing Special

The thing is i always whine about this same thing.
But honestly, right now it doesn't feel so bad.

Admittedly, i was crying a couple of hours ago, but that was mainly stress, hopelessness and the fact that i was wearing someone's beanie that just means a lot to me.

And in all honesty, the people who I'm gonna miss the most probably won't matter in a couple of years.

This is a lie.

Chances are, everyone is gonna move on and eventually we'll become the same thing I became when I moved here.
Somebody who wishes things had gone different and is put in front of opportunities every single day, yet not once daring to click the mouse and say hello.

I'm scared.
I'm scared of who I might become if I stay away from these guys for too long.
Will I change to the point where I won't even recognise myself?
Will I be the exact same person?

I've done things lately, things I should be ashamed of.
But how can I if they're the best thing that's happened to me?
And I mean, I'm happy.

And what you don't know can't hurt you, right?
So if no-one's being hurt, is there really need to stop?
What will it matter in two weeks?
In three months or four years?
Who will even remember my name or my face or vaguely what hair colour I have.

I like to think everything's gonna turn out fine, and that by the time i've reached 40, my children would have grown up with the children of my best friends right now.
Hell, maybe they'll even be the same kids as my best friend's, who knows?

But when I talk to my parents about their friends in school--well, they remember their names and the things they did together...but what if that doesn't happen for me?
What if there never is a 10 year reunion?
What if there is, but I can't afford to go?
What if I do go, but i'm still single and as unwanted as I am right now?

And the fact that I don't feel myself for saying i'm unwanted because i know i am, even though i shouldn't be and i should be ashamed makes me feel slightly disgusting, well.
What will it matter?

Are these problems even gonna exist in 6 months?
How quickly can we all get over these things?

ffs.

I hate the feeling when you switch off your light, only to realise it was already off and the light you thought was your bedside lamp, was really the sun already out.

It's like you've just lost another night.
Spent a whole 7 hours sitting there, writing, drawing or simply wasting your time.

It's this emptiness that suddenly takes over you and--

Goddammit, I hate it.

ARRRGH

So it's been who-knows-how-long since the last time I blogged.
And right now I'm only here cause I was installing google chrome and it asked me if i had a blogger account.


Right now, i have 5 minutes in my battery life and only a couple of hours till my first HSC exam.

I wish i could hate Mondays again, but right now I miss them way too much.

I don't want to sit my exam.
I was pumped a couple of hours ago, now i wish i could sleep.

I wish i was a school girl again.
This is bullshit, they lied to me.

They said I'd feel free after school was done.

And it's like I'm in home arrest.
I know I can leave if I want to... But I can't.


And I hate it.



SO MUCH ANGST, OMG.

But with only 0:03 minutes, I better get going.


Wish me luck; I know I'll need it.


Goodnight xx

Blogging

Blogging is, apparently, writing for an audience.
Writing cause you know you're being read/heard and want your opinions to be heard and to count.

But what if you're writing just because you want to, would that then become an online diary?
But wouldn't that be stupid, because, isn't a diary something you don't want anyone to read?

If that's so, why would you write a blog? -and if there IS anyone out there actually reading this, that's rhetorical, so don't bother answering.-

If you do write a blog like a diary though, does that give you the right to say what you want about whoever you want?
But isn't that what some bloggers do anyways?
Though, isn't putting something up on the internet, just as bad -if not worse- than saying it to that person's face nowadays?


So after not having blogged in ages, this is probably a poor attempt, but honestly, I hate sunday nights and seeing the links bar at the top of the browser got me thinking.

So now that all this ranting from this raging noob is over, have a good night and enjoy your monday like there's no tomorrow!!

Uggghhhhh tomorrowwwwww......


I HATE MONDAYS ):

Colouring Pages.

So for Christmas I asked for some copic ciao pens, and they are amazing.
As a complimentary gift, I got 3 Disney Princesses Colouring Books (Which, yes, i asked for. Next time they will be Dragon Ball, okay? I promise).

And up until now, i had not realised how poor the anatomy of these characters is. (Of course it's not enough to ruin my childhood memories, but still, it was kinda disappointing...)
Especially the hands, like, they are WAY too small for their bodies and most of these drawings have one hand with soft and rounded fingers, and the other one always looks like claws on a bird or some shit.

Like, I'd show you, but you'll laugh at my colouring madskillz.
And like, okay, I get that these are supposed to be for like 5 year olds who are content with anything from purple hair to green faces, (and not 16 year olds who are too perfectionist for their own good,) but like, COME ON. The quotes are like, ARGH.

"Ariel looks pretty as she swims amongst the bubbles." Really? Like, okay, she's a mermaid and everything, but come on...
"Ariel enjoys swimming in the ocean." HAVE YOU NEVER EVEN SEEN THE MOVIE?! SHE WANTS TO BE A HUMAN, DOESN'T SHE?! EVEN DISNEY GETS THEIR STORIES WRONG?!
"Aladdin takes Jasmine riding on a wild horse." Um, what? Does anyone remember this happening?
Get you a picture too, just so you see how "wild" this horse is.



Yeah, PRETTY wild.

And there was one more thing that made me angry.
There were pictures of Belle, Snow White, Aurora, Ariel and Jasmine. Where is Pocahontas? Honestly.
Like, COME ON! Racist much?
I mean, she's as good as a princess, right?
OMG AND ESMERALDA FROM JEAN DE FLORETTE!! (lol, somebody help me pl0x)
LIKE, BRING ON THE GYPSIES!! (And the pikeys TOO!!)

Anyways, I'm off to catch a movie now.
Wanna come with? We're meeting at 6 o'clock, so you might wanna hurry up.
See you around. <3

It's the second and last day things will feel like this.

It's like, all that's ahead of you is 38 hours of being in no-man's-land, 38 hours of trying to get your mind off the world you're leaving behind, the world that you belonged to all those years ago, the world that's changed, a world that couldn't wait for you, the music just plays on, there's no pause button; but it's your world all and all.

But you're going back to the place that does wait for you, the place where all friends are and the place where you're meant to be.

But that's still 38 hours away.

And the hours don't end, the seconds just drag on, you want to get out of there, but you're caught within the worst moment forever. The Goodbyes.

And heck, what's another goodbye? Nothing you've never done before, so why does it still hurt so fucking much?

And that's what it feels like, one massive two-day-long goodbye.
And even though you're not talking about leaving, even though you're not thinking about the fact that in less than 24 hours you'll be getting on a plane, a one way ticket away from home. And who knows, maybe that means another Christmas away from the family.
It's always in the back of your mind, always there, it's like a constant pain that you choose to keep nameless, nameless for now, cause you know there will be time later, hours and hours of nothingness to give it a name, and give it the face of all those you won't see for another year.

But hell, maybe this is a last?

Screw it, chin up, just like it should be.