Nothing Special

The thing is i always whine about this same thing.
But honestly, right now it doesn't feel so bad.

Admittedly, i was crying a couple of hours ago, but that was mainly stress, hopelessness and the fact that i was wearing someone's beanie that just means a lot to me.

And in all honesty, the people who I'm gonna miss the most probably won't matter in a couple of years.

This is a lie.

Chances are, everyone is gonna move on and eventually we'll become the same thing I became when I moved here.
Somebody who wishes things had gone different and is put in front of opportunities every single day, yet not once daring to click the mouse and say hello.

I'm scared.
I'm scared of who I might become if I stay away from these guys for too long.
Will I change to the point where I won't even recognise myself?
Will I be the exact same person?

I've done things lately, things I should be ashamed of.
But how can I if they're the best thing that's happened to me?
And I mean, I'm happy.

And what you don't know can't hurt you, right?
So if no-one's being hurt, is there really need to stop?
What will it matter in two weeks?
In three months or four years?
Who will even remember my name or my face or vaguely what hair colour I have.

I like to think everything's gonna turn out fine, and that by the time i've reached 40, my children would have grown up with the children of my best friends right now.
Hell, maybe they'll even be the same kids as my best friend's, who knows?

But when I talk to my parents about their friends in school--well, they remember their names and the things they did together...but what if that doesn't happen for me?
What if there never is a 10 year reunion?
What if there is, but I can't afford to go?
What if I do go, but i'm still single and as unwanted as I am right now?

And the fact that I don't feel myself for saying i'm unwanted because i know i am, even though i shouldn't be and i should be ashamed makes me feel slightly disgusting, well.
What will it matter?

Are these problems even gonna exist in 6 months?
How quickly can we all get over these things?

ffs.