Mental Mess

Today i've just realised that the mess I've made of my room--not picking up my clothes once i take them off; not making my bed; leaving empty plates and glasses on my bedside table for days, is really just my subconscious way of making my mental mess physical.

I've been dealing with stress and uncertainty for months--not to say it's to a huge level, my life is pretty alright, but to the level where it's got me going crazy.

When will i ever see my friends again?
Going to sydney might sound good right now, but is it?
What if all the decisions I'm making right now are wrong and I end up deeply regretting them?
What if i won't though?

I mean, who am I to trust right now?

The girl who can't even pick up after herself (and won't allow others to because she wants to do it herself to prove herself that she can)?

Anyways, this was supposed to go into my think book, it's not a diary, because i don't care who reads it.
I don't write personal stuff, i don't write facts.

I just write feelings.

And that is what this is too.

Nothing Special

The thing is i always whine about this same thing.
But honestly, right now it doesn't feel so bad.

Admittedly, i was crying a couple of hours ago, but that was mainly stress, hopelessness and the fact that i was wearing someone's beanie that just means a lot to me.

And in all honesty, the people who I'm gonna miss the most probably won't matter in a couple of years.

This is a lie.

Chances are, everyone is gonna move on and eventually we'll become the same thing I became when I moved here.
Somebody who wishes things had gone different and is put in front of opportunities every single day, yet not once daring to click the mouse and say hello.

I'm scared.
I'm scared of who I might become if I stay away from these guys for too long.
Will I change to the point where I won't even recognise myself?
Will I be the exact same person?

I've done things lately, things I should be ashamed of.
But how can I if they're the best thing that's happened to me?
And I mean, I'm happy.

And what you don't know can't hurt you, right?
So if no-one's being hurt, is there really need to stop?
What will it matter in two weeks?
In three months or four years?
Who will even remember my name or my face or vaguely what hair colour I have.

I like to think everything's gonna turn out fine, and that by the time i've reached 40, my children would have grown up with the children of my best friends right now.
Hell, maybe they'll even be the same kids as my best friend's, who knows?

But when I talk to my parents about their friends in school--well, they remember their names and the things they did together...but what if that doesn't happen for me?
What if there never is a 10 year reunion?
What if there is, but I can't afford to go?
What if I do go, but i'm still single and as unwanted as I am right now?

And the fact that I don't feel myself for saying i'm unwanted because i know i am, even though i shouldn't be and i should be ashamed makes me feel slightly disgusting, well.
What will it matter?

Are these problems even gonna exist in 6 months?
How quickly can we all get over these things?

ffs.

I hate the feeling when you switch off your light, only to realise it was already off and the light you thought was your bedside lamp, was really the sun already out.

It's like you've just lost another night.
Spent a whole 7 hours sitting there, writing, drawing or simply wasting your time.

It's this emptiness that suddenly takes over you and--

Goddammit, I hate it.

ARRRGH

So it's been who-knows-how-long since the last time I blogged.
And right now I'm only here cause I was installing google chrome and it asked me if i had a blogger account.


Right now, i have 5 minutes in my battery life and only a couple of hours till my first HSC exam.

I wish i could hate Mondays again, but right now I miss them way too much.

I don't want to sit my exam.
I was pumped a couple of hours ago, now i wish i could sleep.

I wish i was a school girl again.
This is bullshit, they lied to me.

They said I'd feel free after school was done.

And it's like I'm in home arrest.
I know I can leave if I want to... But I can't.


And I hate it.



SO MUCH ANGST, OMG.

But with only 0:03 minutes, I better get going.


Wish me luck; I know I'll need it.


Goodnight xx

Blogging

Blogging is, apparently, writing for an audience.
Writing cause you know you're being read/heard and want your opinions to be heard and to count.

But what if you're writing just because you want to, would that then become an online diary?
But wouldn't that be stupid, because, isn't a diary something you don't want anyone to read?

If that's so, why would you write a blog? -and if there IS anyone out there actually reading this, that's rhetorical, so don't bother answering.-

If you do write a blog like a diary though, does that give you the right to say what you want about whoever you want?
But isn't that what some bloggers do anyways?
Though, isn't putting something up on the internet, just as bad -if not worse- than saying it to that person's face nowadays?


So after not having blogged in ages, this is probably a poor attempt, but honestly, I hate sunday nights and seeing the links bar at the top of the browser got me thinking.

So now that all this ranting from this raging noob is over, have a good night and enjoy your monday like there's no tomorrow!!

Uggghhhhh tomorrowwwwww......


I HATE MONDAYS ):

Colouring Pages.

So for Christmas I asked for some copic ciao pens, and they are amazing.
As a complimentary gift, I got 3 Disney Princesses Colouring Books (Which, yes, i asked for. Next time they will be Dragon Ball, okay? I promise).

And up until now, i had not realised how poor the anatomy of these characters is. (Of course it's not enough to ruin my childhood memories, but still, it was kinda disappointing...)
Especially the hands, like, they are WAY too small for their bodies and most of these drawings have one hand with soft and rounded fingers, and the other one always looks like claws on a bird or some shit.

Like, I'd show you, but you'll laugh at my colouring madskillz.
And like, okay, I get that these are supposed to be for like 5 year olds who are content with anything from purple hair to green faces, (and not 16 year olds who are too perfectionist for their own good,) but like, COME ON. The quotes are like, ARGH.

"Ariel looks pretty as she swims amongst the bubbles." Really? Like, okay, she's a mermaid and everything, but come on...
"Ariel enjoys swimming in the ocean." HAVE YOU NEVER EVEN SEEN THE MOVIE?! SHE WANTS TO BE A HUMAN, DOESN'T SHE?! EVEN DISNEY GETS THEIR STORIES WRONG?!
"Aladdin takes Jasmine riding on a wild horse." Um, what? Does anyone remember this happening?
Get you a picture too, just so you see how "wild" this horse is.



Yeah, PRETTY wild.

And there was one more thing that made me angry.
There were pictures of Belle, Snow White, Aurora, Ariel and Jasmine. Where is Pocahontas? Honestly.
Like, COME ON! Racist much?
I mean, she's as good as a princess, right?
OMG AND ESMERALDA FROM JEAN DE FLORETTE!! (lol, somebody help me pl0x)
LIKE, BRING ON THE GYPSIES!! (And the pikeys TOO!!)

Anyways, I'm off to catch a movie now.
Wanna come with? We're meeting at 6 o'clock, so you might wanna hurry up.
See you around. <3